I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize