I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
