guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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