i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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