When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Drake has all the answers
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
