Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think I won the penis lottery.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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