We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
