He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
