If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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