they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
