apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
