You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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