My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
