i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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