so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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