Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
