WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you will always have a special place in my vag
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
