so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Let's get the cat blown out
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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