Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
