theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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