Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
