Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
