when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
