I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
