so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
