Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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