Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
