Will you blow on my dice?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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