I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize