You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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