Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
