Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
