the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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