I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
