Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
And then he peed in my hair
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