Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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