I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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