every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
