it's too hot outside to masturbate.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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