So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
