Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
