2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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