This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
