I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
