it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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