How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
