maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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