look no pants
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Send help, water and tortillas.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize