I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
