Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
