there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
