you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
