but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
