I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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