I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
