Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
