i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize