Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
