Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize