Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
