her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
