so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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