what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
